50 things NOT TO DO in Bombay

things1.Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali
2.Take Taxis outside Dadar & Kurla stations, go ahead, try you will know why
3.Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat
4.Call a cop ‘Pandu’
5.Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman
6.Get a 11 Rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty
7.Call a BEST bus driver ‘Bhaiya’
8.Buy enhancement medicines from Van – Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors
9. Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar
10. Ask the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips
11. Stand in front of Amitabh/shahrukh/salmaan’s house — u look stupid and its waste of time
12. Baba Bengalis are neither Baba’s or Bengalis they are all perverts and thugs
13. Visit sleazy Video Parlours and get caught in a raid
14. Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it’s just a tiny 5 Rupee coin
15. Go for a Shiv Sena rally in hope for a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian
16. Stare at Koli Women in Gorai and Make fun of Kolis in their Kasti
17. While commuting don’t tease people shitting near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train
18. Hang outside the train, Poles might hit you before the crowds will.
19. Tease a Hijra.
20. Bribe a Porter to grab a seat in V.T, chances are he might run off with your money and even beat you.
21. Get conned at Fountain from Guys selling cheap Mobiles, they mesmerize and wrap soap bars.
22. Say Hello to pimps behinds Mondegar & Pasta Lanes.
23. Donate money to the Crying Cab driver, he has conned thousands.
24. Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house
25. Sit for more than 20 mins extra at an Irani Café, the Bawa owner might shout some sister abuses.
26. Drink Neera at 5 pm at Dadar Station
27. Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it
28. Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park
29. Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th.
30. Ask for a bargain at the Maharastrian Cloth store in Dadar.
31. Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it’s an escort service.
32. Call a Maharastrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you mean.
33. Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji
34. Look straight and walk, We have open Manholes, flicked by Druggies.
35. Wear Brown Khakis shirts, People will mistake you for BMC staff.
36. Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area.
37. Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda.
38. Ask why statues in Bombay have one finger pointed like Umpires.
39. Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport.
40. Go to Chor Bazaar in your Car or Bike.
41. Wear nice footwear to SiddiVinayak or Mahalakshmi Temple
42. Go to Haji Ali during high tides
43. Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on.
44. Dial 100 for fun, Cops will put your entire family behind bars and use bars.
45. Buy water & tea for Chai-Pani, Old Monk should work.
46. Fall asleep on the Harbour Line, Thieves will strip you of everything.
47. Eat Missal / Ussal Pav before going to work.
48. Board a fast train in Dadar to go to Bandra. Opposite platforms and a very horrible crowd
49. Go for midnight mass thinking you can patao chicks
50. give money to bhikari (he is the same guy who is @siddhivinayak on Tuesday, @mahim church wed, @mahim dargah on Thursday, and @hajiali on Friday, @mount mary on Sunday)

Read Satish Vijaykumar’s funny yet very helpful collection of 84 Things Not TO do in Bombay on Bombay Lives. If you enjoy reading this then do drop him a message – Satish Vijaykumar here. He would love to here from you.

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